one plus one is one

So I keep wanting to update, have thoughts about updating but I always seem to forget. Story of my life. I have been writing in an actual journal which is semi-fullfilling. This is from the other day

I wonder everyday if college is turning me into a snob. I onlu buy pretentious books, I dress nice, and I laugh at the people asking stupid questions. I long for class, i have a thirst for knowledge. I got a 90.5% and was instantly disapointed with myself. I subscribe to a flase sense of entitlement that I can't stop. Hi I'm Autumn, I want to be a college professor, classical history. Oh and I want to join the peace corps I listen to indie rock and read classic novels. It just sounds so fake, so phony, and overall depressing. Poor little miss overachiever, gag me.

New developments since. I went to a party in R. We walk in and it is populated by 'cool' hipster kids. All wearing old chuck taylors, radiohead on repeat, two guys are playing bongos in the middle of the room. I should have felt fine. It should have been my crowd, these are people i could invision myself hanging out with. HOWEVER I got the sense that they were all a bunch of dumbasses. Trying way to hard to be cool. I even heard one guy use the best/worst pickup line ever. "these are the same boots that john lennon wore, you know not his, but the same ones" Oh really give a fucking break. that's not cool. nothing about that statement would make any girl or guy for that matter want to fuck you. It was sad and overall pathetic. Not saying that i am the coolest person but i have come to be comfortable being me and i can sense when someone is faking it because i've been there. All though highschool i had to mask the real me so that i would fit in so that people would like me. Then i grew up and found out that it's not what other people think, it's what i think of myself. But at this party I am like these people. I do put this ultra importance on music that i shouldn't. and when i mentioned that i did not like radiohead it was like i said that i like to punch babies. Everyone looked at me like i was a freak. i don't care, it's just noises. But that snap judgement is something i do and i know i need to work on.

And so begins this existiential crisis. Am i different? Or is it because i define myself as different that i am? Am i just a stereotype of the typical college student? And then i question myself thinking that i am phony when i'm being myself. it's all so fucked up and now i have soo much time to sit and think. I want to portray my best self, not the self i think i am.

use somebody.

Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by the human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you'll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them- if you want to. Just as some day, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s  beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn't education. It’s history. It’s poetry." - The Catcher in the Rye

There are somethings that I will never be able to explain. There are certian people that mean the world to me. And there are millions of words that I will never be able to express. I feel old, tired, and used. I am sick of this. Everything. School. Life. Reading.

Things that were once fun don't feel that way now. I've grown but not enough. never enough.

He'll paint while we play

so for christmas I recieved a record player, and not a cheap one. I cannot hide my joy over this object. I have been looking for some great tunes to listen to. I really want old records, I got a whole bunch at the goodwill for a dollar. And as I am writing these words they feel so fake, so forced.

I think that I'm falling down a slope again. Tears are welling and I can't stop them. I keep thinking about things that DO NOT MATTER. I'm obessesing, sitting here in this house. I need the smell of water, the lushness of grass, the sounds of spring. I can no longer sit here and pretend that I like the winter, that sitting inside with a book or a knitting project is going to take this longing out of my bones. I want to be outside in the sun, lunching on the grass, listening to the birds chirp.

I've been to the library twice and read tons of books over break. What I really need is college. I really can't wait to go back. It's been to long. I crave the university and all it offers. I want shitty chinese food over a study session. I want my friends who like to speak about current issues. It feels like neverland ranch here. With no rush to do anything and days and days off work. Yesterday I read, watched three movies, knitted, took a bath and played fable for two hours. That was it. I didn't even step out the front door.

Today is the same but tomorrow will be different.

hello 2009

It's a new year and I'm still the same old me. Making promises and breaking hearts. I made some resoultions last year including not cutting more than an inch off of my hair at a time, to take the stairs if the climb was three floors or less, to write everyday and to read one hundred books. Well, I did take the damn stairs and I still make it a habit, and my hair is now at a normal length. I've written, a little, a lot. In class, at home, hell even when I'm talking on the phone. But I only made it to 72 books. That makes me a little mad. I came so close. However this year I will reach my goal.

However this year I did<br>go to greece<br> I met a fablous new gay<br> GOT ALL A's<br> rewrote the same story 20 times <br> paid off two of my credit cards<br> and I learned a heck of a lot.

This year I am going to just make things happen. I want to be healthier. I will go to the gym and I will keep growing out my hair. I want to start a diary, and keep my promise of writting as much as possible. Everyday was my orginial thought but I know that it's just not a possibilty. I want to continue this A streak in college. I want to study more, save money. But none of these are resoultions, they are things that I want to be normal, not something to work at. I don't want to make resoultions that I know that I probally won't keep. I have been working out, I have been reading and I have like five diaries that I write in randomly. I also want to work on my story, develop a setting, not just lovely love mumbo jumbo.The one thing that I can call a true resoultion is to keep my room clean, one thing that I know won't stay. Two weeks from now it will be a complete mess, and i'll be wondering what happened.

Iron and Wine will be the death of me

I want to cry, I wish someone would sing me to sleep. I feel like I'm in a tunnel with life passing fast around me and I can't hold on to anything. I am LONELY. Friends are nice but I'm just not that type of person. I want to disappear into your arms. I crave male attention. I want my one true love so we can build a cabin in the woods and fall in love everyday. I know, I am making myself sick. But at this point I am pms-ing like no other. I feel lost here all alone. After being single for 3+ years it's finally starting to sink in. I can't watch movies like the notebook without crying a river. Moulin Rouge makes me lose it. I want my other half to waltz up to me and tell me how it is. Catch me in the library, I'm always there falling in love with men in books. Yes the bullshit stories make me want it even more. What is there to this life than to spend it with someone who will give you butterflies everyday. I sound like a sixth grader. But I want a boy with stars in his eyes, poems that flow from his lips, one who doesn't care if my hair is washed or the fact that many of my shirts are more than four years old. One who doesn't care that I can be completely irrational. I'll dream of him tonight.